BC & AD

I’m currently working on some mindful stitch pieces, just allowing the thread and my mood to take me wherever I need to go.

It’s 6 weeks yesterday since I received my diagnosis. I dispensed very quickly with the whole “how do you break it to other people” routine by telling my nearest and dearest and then announcing it on Facebook. Not everyone would agree with this approach and indeed I know I may have upset a couple of people along the way. However, this is my diagnosis, my illness and the experts I speak to all tell me that if ever there was a time to be selfish it is now and to deal with it my way. So I did and I am truly sorry if you would have preferred to hear a different way – I didn’t set out to upset anyone.

Since then I’ve tried a myriad of approaches, however the one I’ve been happiest to say is “I’ve failed my Mammogram” because everyone gets that and then I can start to explain the extent of my diagnosis and answer the many questions they have. It feels important to me that people understand that my Stage 1 cancer is not currently life threatening and its currently unlikely I’ll need Chemo (though I’m keeping my options open).

Talking to friends at the weekend has brought home to me that I’m still struggling to put the words “I”, “have” “breast” and “cancer” in the same sentence. I know a little about dealing with change. After all I have written enough blog posts about it. I do understand that it is only natural that I will go through the stages of anger and denial as is commonly experienced by people going through change. I feel as though I’m detaching myself from this marble sized lump of cancer cells. It is going to be removed soon, but I have all sorts of questions: will I still have cancer until my radio therapy is complete, do I have to wait until the hormone treatment is finished in ten years to be cancer free? I don’t even feel like I have cancer now.

I’ve considered naming the damn lump, but what do I call it? There are a couple of people I’ve not got on with in life, but I don’t dislike anyone enough to use their name. And would naming it really help to detach myself from it, I don’t want to feel affection for the little marble sized thing. And even if I did name it, It doesn’t make it any easier to tell other people – especially if they’re stood looking at me in a state of confusion and wondering what I’m rambling about.

I feel that today I have made a breakthrough. I said “I’ve been diagnosed with Breast Cancer” – I’m not entirely comfortable saying it but i guess it will get easier.

I feel like someone who has two lives. One that was before cancer, when I was fit and well and all I had to worry about was whether the washing up had been done, and one now – after diagnosis. So there we have it – just like Christ – BC & AD.

I make no apologies for rambling – sometimes you just need to get things off your chest.

Carolyn Trafford is a Creative Life Coach, supporting others in reaching their own goals in a creative way. Author of “Don’t Just Dream It – Achieve It!” (A great way to kickstart those goals). This interactive book is available from her online shop:  https://carolyntraffordart.ecwid.com/Dont-Just-Dream-It-Achieve-It-Book-p196854491)