(IMPORTANT NOTE – This was written n Monday 8th. I have been to see my consultant today and will be updating the blog properly soon -but I’m in a better place than I was on Sunday)
I must have been pretty naive to get 7 weeks from diagnosis and think that I would fly through this, that my only sleepless nights would be those the night before procedures. Last night I hit a wall, and hit it hard.
Everyone has been so lovely and supportive. No one has gone “there,there”, “It’ll all be OK”. They’ve said encouraging things like, “you’re so positive” and “you’ve got this“, apparently “cancer does stand a chance“. I’ve joined a support group, spoken to Macmillan and I’m getting a Macmillan Buddy, but I do feel I’m in a little bit of a bubble where this is not happening to me – and that’s definitely something they call denial.
I am someone who likes to feeling control, I’ve read every note word from my consultant several times over, I’ve looked up all the long words and what they mean. A friend suggested an excellent book by Trisha Greenhalgh & Liz O’Riordan called “The Complete Guide To Breast Cancer – How To Feel Empowered and Take Control”. With a title like that its right up my street and written to two cancer specialists who have both worked with patients but also experienced it first hand, I knew it was going to be full of factual information.
You may recall how happy I was to receive my diagnosis, potentially no chemo, just a smallish op, radiotherapy and ten years of popping a hormone tablet. And that’s where the big reality hit me last night – and kept me awake. Chemo therapy would have been absolute hell to go through and the side affects are not pleasant and I felt relief that this is currently not part of my treatment plan. However, hormone tablets are not without their side affects and can include the swelling of legs, osteoporosis,hair thinning (eek) and a few others (including in rare cases) other forms of cancer. Its the first time I’ve realised that my overall general health could be affected in the longer term. No matter what happens over the next few weeks, I do have cancer and will be living under its legacy for the rest of my life.
I don’t wish to be negative but the point of this blog is to vent if I need to, writing down my thoughts does help me gain clarity and sharing them here may, I hope at some point help others. Denial, frustration and confusion are all steps towards accepting a change and I know I have to work my way through these – and I will.
Carolyn Trafford is a Creative Life Coach, supporting others in reaching their own goals in a creative way sine 2010. Author of “Don’t Just Dream It – Achieve It!” (A great way to kickstart those goals). This interactive book is available from her online shop: https://carolyntraffordart.ecwid.com/Dont-Just-Dream-It-Achieve-It-Book-p196854491) . She was diagnosed with Breast Cancer on the 20th September 2021 following her first routine screening with the NHS at 51.
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