This is a difficult post to write because I’m struggling to describe my emotions. Back at the end of March I felt great. I’d been given the all clear. The after effects of the radiotherapy were wearing off and I had planned holidays to look forward to. I’ve had a really good months, we’ve been to the Lakes, twice, toured the Norfolk Broads on a little boat based at our very own windmill, had 5 days in Iceland, a week with friends in Cornwall. On top of that I’ve had a few days on the Yorkshire Coast with my Bestie and spent the whole summer really throwing myself back into wild swimming.
12 Months Later
But as September arrived, the weather changed a little, cooler misty mornings rolled in, and as each one dawned, the sun set earlier each evening. My art classes restarted. Familiar feelings, that colder air which normally brings on those snuggle in a blanket and stay warm feelings changed this year. They remind me daily of the trauma I felt last year. The angst of waiting for each set of results, the worry leading up to surgery, I feel like I’m ticking off each event again.
I have no reason to fear my 1st annual mammogram. The surgeon removed all traces of the cancer. The oncologist blasted the area to kill off any remaining cells and my medication removes the last traces of Oestrogen (on which my cancer fed) from my body. The chances of a re-occurrence are minimal, but the fear remains.
I’m a kinesthetic person, my emotions and language are around touch, I can’t describe the feelings, they are feelings around warmth or cold, how do you label them with words? I can’t. But I will be glad once again and the wait is over.
I feel like I’m almost being melodramatic, yet other survivors I have met reassure me that it’s normal to have these thoughts, that I have been through a trauma and that it’s normal and I will deal with it.
They say once cancer has touched you it changes you. They can remove it from your body, eradicate it but you are still a person whose life has been touched by cancer. I know I just need to get through the next few weeks, focus on my swimming, sewing and Christmas and then the days will get a little lighter, the air a little warmer and the shadow hanging over me will ease. I know I’m still lucky. I am a survivor and every day I need to live and live well.
Carolyn Trafford is a Creative Life Coach, supporting others in reaching their own goals in a creative way sine 2010. Author of “Don’t Just Dream It – Achieve It!” (A great way to kickstart those goals). This interactive book is available from her online shop: https://carolyntraffordart.ecwid.com/Dont-Just-Dream-It-Achieve-It-Book-p196854491) . She was diagnosed with Breast Cancer on the 20th September 2021 following her first routine screening with the NHS at 51.
2 Responses
Thank you for writing this
I’m sure it’s difficult to put into words but you expressed your feelings well
Hope everything goes well and it seems very understandable that once the immediate pressure is off other feelings creep in
I suspect that it is not unusual to feel this way having been through a trauma
Jeanette x
Jeanette
Thank you for your kind words. I struggle, its a fine balance between honesty and moaning. I sometimes feel guilty because I know many have been and are going through far worse – I just hope that someone out there finds comfort if they can see they’re not alone in their thoughts. xx